by Bethany Desjarlais
The minute you find out you are pregnant, especially with your first child, you go through a myriad of emotions. At least I did. I circled around terror, fear, hesitation, worry, and excitement before landing on overall happiness. The first few weeks were spent planning how the rest of our lives would go. I saw us taking care of baby, playing with baby, sharing milestones with the baby; typical thoughts for a new mama. I was blissfully happy
The morning of November 15th found me excited and nervous about my first OB appointment. My husband and I had to work that day and planned to meet at the doctor’s office. After doing the routine questioning and vitals taking, my doctor tried to find a heartbeat. She couldn’t hear anything but said that was normal for how early the pregnancy was. They decided to do an ultrasound for good measure.
We went into the ultrasound room and the doctor again tried to find signs of the baby. When she didn’t see what she was looking for, she sent me down to radiology to get a vaginal ultrasound performed. Finally, after a long night trekking from point A to point B, we received the news we were dreading. I had lost the baby.
The doctor said nearly 20% of women who conceive end up miscarrying, but that statistic didn’t make me feel much better. I mean, yes, on one hand I was glad it was more common than I originally thought, but on the other hand, I had lost my baby. Was I a bad mother? Did I do something wrong? Why did this happen to me?
I was encouraged by everyone to allow myself time to grieve and then to allow myself time to heal. The outpouring of support was amazing and overwhelming. It helped me see the bigger picture and helped those wounds to close.
In the weeks to come, I found the answers to all those questions I had asked myself. No, I absolutely was not a bad mother. No, I did nothing wrong. Why did this happen? That one’s a little harder to answer. I believe in fate. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe I wasn’t ready to be a mom. Maybe the baby was going to be terminally ill. Maybe I needed just a little more time. Whatever the reason, I know it was the right thing to happen to me.
One positive outcome from my situation was the absolution I feel about being a mother. I know, without doubt, I want children now. I know, with no hesitation, I am ready to be whatever that little baby needs me to be. I know, 100%, I am ready.
Copyright Bethany Desjarlais.